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We're not the only people who can read this -- we're just the only two who explicitly know about it. Now, what is it with boredom? It seems so universally pervasive, shot through our lives like poisons in the air, so violently abhorrent but inescapable as high-fructose corn syrup. Someone should take that last sentence out back and shoot it in the head. But I don't think there is a cure for boredom other than a life of constant pants-shitting terror, like being an Iraqi police officer or a minefield tapdancer. Rich people are bored, poor people are bored and worried about being poor. Famous people are bored but aren't allowed to just go to the park and read a book. The only cures for boredom are unconsciousness and drug use. Unfortunately, it's hard to use either of those ploys all the time.
The Broke Parade is not as bad as it seems. I know of a bunch of things I can do that are gloriously free.
FREE THINGS TO DO, LIST II 1. Read books I've already read before while curled up in bed
2. Crash my parents' house for dinner
3. Throw books across room from bed because I know what's going to happen
4. Whimper in pain as back seizes up from book-throwing
5. Walk around block, chain-chomping lime Tic Tacs
6. [L.A. version] Sit in car (don't start engine), chain-chomp whatever
7. Write a letter to Velamints about how Chocolate Velamints are for shit
8. Cry [always free!]
[3:55pm est]
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What's great is that I do sit in my car without turning it on, all the time, but it's because I like to talk on the phone and I get no reception in the house. You knew that.
I think you're dumb. Chocolate Velamints are SWEET! Not only do they have the best silky/gritty texture, but the chocolate is cocoa-y, not all shitty like Tootsie Rolls (which are fine on their own, but not chocolate-like in the least). I am also a fan of chewable Mylanta, too.
FREE THINGS TO DO #3 1. Ride bike all over the place, but since you can't actually do anything, don't have a destination. Just riiiiiide. You're free, man! Free!
2. Re-read books, too. Skip all the parts that bored you the first time around. Realize this means that each book is effectively 85 pages long.
3. Read reference books. Start writing long series of notes about why Penguin Dictionary of Art & Artists is stupid (surprise) (such as "Does not include Joseph Beuys," "entry on Warhol is four lines whereas entry on obscure 14th-century pointless Italian is three pages," etc).
4. Leaf idly through phone book (I do this all the time).
5. Concoct elaborate lies to get boss to pay you two days earlier than scheduled.
6. Play CALL OF DUTY war video game on phone, which has a dear, Nintendo-1988 feel.
7. Drag out a whole bunch of stuff intending to work on crafty projects; get bored and just leave it laying everywhere, seriously contributing to miniscule apartment's last-half-of-Trainspotting-derelict-depressive look.
8. Put sign on bed: ENTRY BEFORE 10:30PM PROHIBITED, since "sleeping all the time" is the fast train to sadsville.
Yesterday I was not only bored but insanely cranky. I spent the commute home thinking up devastating one-liners for every person I know. Here are some:- Everything you claim to live for is based on a perfect fantasy version of romance.
- You do everything half-assed so when it fails--which your half-assedness ensures it will--you don't feel bad about yourself.
- You spend your time searching for someone else to drag you out of the horrible situations you have created and cultivated. Then I realized that they all apply, in some degree, to everyone I know! AWESOME!
Your Beatles cover is totally rad.
[2:48pm pst]
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Thanks!
[6:13pm est]
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trouble started by Universal Donor
July 27, 2004
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2:20 PM est •
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